Pathways to work

I had my first appointment with someone from the new pathways to work scheme yesterday, the private sector businesses who have recently took over from the jobcentre ‘disability employment advisors’, I was worried leading up to the meeting because I imagined it would all be target driven and I’d be seen as another statistic which could help boost their profits and look good on the annual report.

After five minutes of being into the interview I realised he was just the type of person I hate, a slick fast talking sales man who tries to build rapport and be your best friend then manipulates you into buying/doing something you deeply regret later. Some of the things he said included ‘lets get you off these lousy benefits’, ‘its no good being sat at home all day’ then he added a bit of pressure by saying ‘you’ve got to be commited or you are wasting everyone’s time’.

Then he hit me with something that blew me away ‘it’s not like you’ve got a real disability like your right arm missing’. I was in a docile state of shock at this point and could only think of getting the hell out of there. Jesus, I’ve spent not far off two years of my life in hospital out of touch with reality and apparently I haven’t got a real disability. He confirmed my fears that they would know nothing about mental illness and probably don’t want to know about it either, he’ll just carry on giving the same spiel to everyone.

It’s largely my own fault for being too easily led and giving out the impression that I really want to work, which I do sometimes when I’m feeling upbeat and often telling people what they want to hear, but the reality of working over the long term when dealing with mood swings and bouts of paranoia is a very scary proposition.

The meeting with the pathways to work sales rep has left me feeling anxious, pressurised and angry at myself for being such a mug by letting myself be talked into meeting them. I’m planning to write a letter telling him I don’t want to continue, I know if I ring him I’ll probably get cajoled into starting work in a chicken factory on Monday.     

‘Eyebrows and other fish’

I’ve just finished reading a book by a fellow Mancunian and schizophrenia sufferer Anthony Scally. ‘Eyebrows and other fish’ is a personal account of the authors experience of schizophrenia.

Anthony’s wicked sense of humor shines through and it had me in stitches in places and shocked in others, its one of the few books that I’ve been really into for ages.

To read a proper review check it out at amazon 

 

BBC Northwest Tonight piece on the book

Madman or Mystic?

here are two vid’s that take a look at mania and psychosis from a spiritual/mystical perspective, many thanks to spiritual emergency for the comments and links to these clips

What Psychiatrists Don’t Know: Bipolar Mania is Spiritual #1

What Psychiatrists Don’t Know: Bipolar Mania is Spiritual #2

Soulful Psychiatry

A few years ago I used to be fanatical about reading up on alternative explanations and treatments for schizophrenia, one website I was especially keen on was one written by Maureen B. Roberts PhD who is a Jungian Therapist & Specialist Consultant on Soul-centred Wholistic Psychiatry.

During one of admissions I found out the consultant was warning his other patients not to take any notice of my theories on madness, most of which I got from this site.

Here is one exert from the site which describes schizophrenia from a psychological and spiritual perspective -

What is Schizophrenia?

A good question, with no simple, short, or straightforward answer, since each sufferer is unique and schizophrenia is a complex phenomenon. In general, schizophrenia is an extremely introverted, psychospiritual mode of perception, or way of relating to the world; or state of consciousness involving (what I have called) ‘extreme empathy’.

This simultaneous blessing and curse is due to a fragile, fragmented, dead, or lost ego, or conscious personality structure. The normal, ego-enforced boundaries between the self and the world have broken down, such that schizophrenia sufferers - for better and worse - find themselves identifying with everything within their scope of perception.

It is because of this ego loss, or ‘dis-integration’ that psychosis, shamanic initiation and mystical experience are so inextricably bound. The schizophrenic person may appear to family, friends and doctors to be lacking in emotion, but in reality is in a state of intense empathy, such that extreme sensations of joy and fear are usual.

Because of their fragile personal boundaries, schizophrenic folk typically see, hear, sense, perceive and understand things that others are unaware of. Secret, or symbolic meanings are seen and heard in everything, and the schizophrenia sufferer typically feels responsible for the fate of the world.

SOURCE: http://www.jungcircle.com/Schizophrenia.html

The site also covers recovering from and coping with schizophrenia its worth checking out at - http://www.jungcircle.com/Schizophrenia.html

The site takes the view that schizophrenia can be cured with psychotherapy, I’m not convinced that’s true, I don’t think that there is much evidence to support that.

It is very appealing to believe that there are soulful drug free treatments out there that can take the place of anti-psychotic medication with all the problems they can cause, I’m just not sure that any of them really work.

Surely science and the medical profession with all the research they carry out can’t be wrong, or maybe there is too much money too lose from the pharmaceutical industry by admitting sitting round a camp fire in the woods chanting and banging a drum cures schizophrenia.

Has anyone had any good experience of psychotherapy or alternative treatments? It would be interesting to know if any of them do any good

Dependant dosh £££

I received a bit of a shock to the system this week when I received a letter from the benefits people saying that my income support was going to be cut by £50 per week, bummer

It made me realise how dependant on disability benefits I’ve become, in the back of my mind I was thinking that it might be a good thing due to there being a much bigger incentive to getting a paid job. I’ve been thinking for a while that working might do me good by boosting my self esteem and it would be good to get out of the house and meet people, I’ve become a bit of a recluse of late.

Its easy to get enthusiastic about working when I first start, but once that wears off and I’ve got to deal with office politics and the social stress I suffer from when I’m around people for long periods it could become too much. I think I’m ready to give it a shot though, if it doesn’t work out at least I’ve tried.

One thing that bothers me about applying for jobs at the moment is when I have to disclose that I’ve got the scary ‘S’ word. When I say I’ve got schizophrenia they will inevitably think -

“Oh shit he hears voices”

Schizophrenia label invalid?

I read a news article a while back on the idea that the term schizophrenia is a stigmatising label and should me scraped and replaced by something new;

BBC news ’schizophrenia term invalid’

In Japan they have allready changed their term for schizophrenia to ‘integration disorder’

I’m all up for the idea of reducing the stigma associated with the label by replacing it with something else. I hate it when someone refers to a person with schizophrenia as a ’schizophrenic’ as opposed to ‘he has schizophrenia’, it has become an offensive term to me.

One suggestion is to replace it with ‘dopamine dysregulation disorder’, I find it difficult to imagine how that could become an offensive term, although to me it implies that the illness is purely biological… not sure about that one.

What about making the diagnosis more informal like - loopiness disorder, stark raving bonkers, mad as cheese, barking mad… or my favourite ‘lunarphrenia’.

What do you think?

POLL: Replace schizophrenia with what? 1) dopamine dysregulation disorder 2) Integration disorder 3) leave is as it is! 4) Lunarphrenia View Results Make your own poll

The thrill of being Jesus

I’ve been thinking recently about what my life was like before I decided to ‘get with the program’ and comply with treatment.

To an outside observer my life is much better than when I was non-complient, I’ve developed my portfolio of graphic design to a point where I stand a good chance of landing a job in a competitive industry and been able to function at a high level and cope very well with living on my own.

But part of me misses the thrill and inflated self esteem of when I’m losing touch with reality and I think I’m part of some cosmic battle and believe I’ve got miraculous powers, all of my most memorable experiences have been when I’ve been psychotic, both positive and negative.

Positive when I’ve experienced some incredible revelation and mystical insights, these positives were always followed by a much darker experience. The worst was when I was living with an amphetamine and heroin addict I met in hospital and having very paranoid and dark hallucinations.

I think I’ve come to the realisation that whilst being Jesus is exciting and a massive boost to the ol’ self esteem, it comes at a high price and I’m much better building on my normal low self esteem, then my mind won’t need to be Jesus to cope with life…

…the question is how do I do that?

Dangerous mumbo jumbo?

One year before my first admission to a psych ward I became obsessed with the para-normal, psychics, astrology, numerology, I ching and shamanism. It all happened after I had what I thought were several psychic pre-cognitive dreams, I dropped out of uni and spent the remainder of my student loan on tons of books on the above subjects, I wanted answers and had a strong need to find meaning in my life, did I find it? did I bollocks.

In fact the whole area of psychics, mediums and mysticism has become repulsive to me, I can’t help associating it with being being psychotic and delusional and wasting what should have been the best years of my life. I definitely don’t think the interest in these things caused me to crack up, but I think they are dependant on woolly thinking, neuroses and blind beliefs (all ingredients necessary for me to become psychotic)

I think I feel so strongly against this kind of stuff to make myself resistant to falling into the sticky trap of delusional beliefs and indulging in the madness.

Drug of choice

Its one year at the end of this month that I had my last cigarette, but I just can’t kick the nicotine habit. I started with nicotine gum but I didn’t cut them down as you’re supposed to, I started having more until I was taking double what’s recommended.

Why is that so many people with schizophrenia smoke? I can’t think of anyone I’ve met in hospital who wasn’t hooked.

Last month I heard about a type of snuff thats really popular in sweden, they call it snus (pronounced snoose), they’re like small tea bags filled with tobacco that you put under you’re top lip. I ordered 20 tins by mail order about a month ago and I’m totally hooked, I think its partly down to being a bit of an odd ball who likes to try stuff other don’t, plus its a lot cheaper than smoking and apparently there is a much less risk of snuffing it with snus.

I heard about snus from schizophrenia.com where they posted this article : Best Nicotine Solution For People who Have Schizophrenia and Smoke

One word of caution though don’t leave them in too long or your teeth get covered in brown tobacco juice, not a good look trust me.

Snus commercial (tongue in cheek)

Meds - training wheels on a bike?

I found this interesting interview with a doctor who suffered from severe mania in her past, but is now well and off all medication. She’s got some alternative views of how medication should be used and the benefits of taking fish oil.

I’m not sure if I could take the risk of stopping medication, I take pride in staying out of hospital for three years now, it would be a big blow if I ended up back at square one. I think my future goal is to be on self medication where I can adjust the dose myself within limits set by my psychiatrist, fighting against treatment has got me nowhere in the past and things have really picked up since 2004 when I first got my head together and thought enough is enough

NOTE: interview starts 3min 50sec from the end